Has change got the better of me?

Sat up with a bru and a laptop reading past posts of famous Bloggers, whilst listening to Alex snore away during his deep dreaming sleep, I keep thinking: "what the hell am I doing?"

It is 01:27am to be precise and all I seem to be doing is over thinking. Has my insomnia kicked in again? Is my depression starting all over again? Has this crazy amount of change in my life ruined my sleeping routine? Why is this happening to me? Why me?

Life was going great. I had a new beginning where I had gotten rid of my ex-fiancé, moved back to my home town, got myself a job, and found an amazing man that I love. So what has caused all of my stress and long sleepless nights? 

During the past three months there has been a lot of dramatic change but I thought I could handle it seen as it's not my first time this has happened to me. Before I moved in with my ex-fiancé I was fine and had a healthy life but when I moved in with him everything changed. I couldn't sleep at night, I wasn't eating well and I was working over time to pay bills - stress. 

Doing it twice over wasn't on my mind. Thinking I could handle change was certainly on my mind. To be quite honest I am not handling this change well now, it has finally kicked in and I am not coping well. The first few nights I lived back at my parent's house I woke up with tears soaking my cheeks - I had been crying in my sleep. I couldn't remember why. 

When I was around seventeen my Mum used to tell me I used to cry in my sleep and she was worried about me, but I was oblivious, I woke up feeling fresh as a daisy without a care in the world, so why would I have cried in my sleep? I wasn't happy apparently.

I did wonder if it was because I had recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend, but that guy was a waste of space, unless I just missed the company of a guy?

Truthfully, I do think I jump from one relationship to another quickly but I can't help it. I am so used to being 'someone's' if you get me? When I was only sixteen I was in a long-term relationship which lasted a year and two months-ish, six months later I got into a relationship with my now ex-fiancé which lasted a year and eight months-ish, but only a month later I had gotten into a relationship with my now boyfriend. 

Many people, adults to be exact, tell me I am young and to have 'fun,' but to me, fun is being someone's. Don't get me wrong I do love going on night's out with my friends and doing teenager-stuff but I feel old for my age. Moving out of my parent's house and having huge responsibilities ruined.. well not ruined that's a bit of a strong word.. let's say it overruled my teenage years.

Whilst I was working, paying bills, engaged and taking responsibility of a pet, a lot of my friends were out partying and having fun. Had I chosen the right thing? Was I too young to take on such a responsibility? Some days I do wish I could take it all back and be the teenager I should have been, you're only young once and I have blown it.

I took too much on myself. Though I had help from my ex-partner, it was still a huge struggle. Now I am with my now boyfriend, I have decided not to take the same path. I will have fun in my last five months of my teenage years, plus more fun in my twenties. I have vowed to myself that I will only move into a house with a partner after a few years of being together to prove to myself that I can be mature and take on my own responsibilities rather than depending on someone else to do it for me.

Engagement is off limits for a good five to ten years, well, because I want to see how the relationship blossoms with no rushing into things of any kind. I am young, I want to live life as a young adult for a change rather than acting too adult for my age. Being mature isn't hard but trying to be over-mature is hard work and really stressful, so for now, I will live with my parents, keep working and saving up, but also visit my boyfriend and spend quality time with him.

Alex is trying his best to keep me happy, he knows what I have been through and how much stress I have. but he is standing by me whatever path I take. Right now I am having problems with my health and he sees me everyday in pain and he feels helpless, which makes me feel guilt - he shouldn't have to put up with this. I am not talking excruciating pain but every so often my stomach on one side will tighten, cramp and send shooting pains either to my left or downwards. Currently been investigated by a Doctor to see why this is happening. 

Damn body has never been healthy. This also adds stress on top of what I am currently going through. All this change and medical crap is stressing me out, so maybe this is the cause to my insomnia? Is this causing some depression too? Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy with where I am at with my life right now, but the change has caught up with my emotions. Emotionally unstable, maybe?

God knows - I don't. 


Alex is still snoring away and I am still wide awake. Today I might be working so I need my sleep but the harder I try, the worse off I am. My mind goes into overdrive, why do I keep over-thinking? 

Stupid insomnia. Sick to death of it. I have had it for a couple weeks now but it all started when I had the flu for two weeks and waking up coughing every hour in the night. Cannot blame the flu, cannot blame the flu. Okay, I blame the flu.

I was just thinking... Christmas is only a week and five days away and I am not even excited. Yes I know, I am nineteen and I am too old to get excited for Christmas, but seriously, I used to love Christmas time and playing Christmas songs way to early than I should. Spending time at the German Markets was my favourite, but this year I am not even arsed about doing Christmas things.

Whilst my family were together putting up the Christmas Tree and decorations I just watched. I didn't feel like doing it at all. Am I a Scrooge? Ba-Humbug! The only Christmassy thing I have done this year is buy Alex a few presents which I know he will love, but still no excitement! 

What's wrong with me? Will my excitement come on Christmas Eve when me and my twin 'traditionally' watch A Muppet's Christmas Carol? (We have watched this every year on Xmas Eve for as long as I can remember.) I hope the Christmas Spirit slaps me in the face. Hard. What's Christmas without the Christmas cheer? A snowy waste of time? 

It doesn't even snow in England. Ugh, it sucks! We just get sleet and ice... though I do find it funny when I see people slip and fall on their arse. I am so mean. 

Enough of the Christmas talk.. see, Scrooge! *rolls eyes*

I really should say what I am thankful for though I am still in my stressed mode. Seriously though, all I have done in this post is moan about my life but I have so many goals in life that I want to achieve, also what I want my family members to achieve too.

I want to achieve / have in my life :
  • 100% health - start taking vitamins also to give me a boost.
  • Get myself a career in Advertising, such as Copywriting or Design.
  • To get my blog noticed and gain a career in this also. Not for the fame and fortune, but to not be a 'nobody' anymore.
  • To one day get engaged and have my dream wedding in Athens.
  • Have a family of my own - two kids (boy and girl,) a husband, and a cute dog.
  • To live in a beautiful house with both front and back gardens over looking a lake and mountains. Possibly not in England.
  • For my family to live long healthy lives.
  • Make sure my twin sister is happy in her life and make sure she accomplishes her goals - to stand by her in her decisions even if I am not happy with some of them.
  • To make sure and help my younger sister and brother accomplish their life goals: a great job, their own place, to grow up strong and healthy, and to raise a family of their own.
  • To always have my families backs.
  • To have my partners back, to support him and help him stay happy.
  • To go back to college and study Journalism, or to get an apprenticeship in Advertising (Copywriting or Design.)
And most importantly
  • Make my family proud

See, I am not all bad mood and low in my life, I do have goals and I will achieve them with hard work. 

I should try and sleep. Hopefully got a busy day ahead of me.

Much love,

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