What should I be thankful for?

What have I got to be thankful for really?

A roof over my head?
An amazing boyfriend who let's me wake him up in the middle of the night so he can hold me tight whilst i cry?
My parents being there for me?
Everyone in my family being close?
For having such a huge supportive family?
Being able to feed myself?
For the water, electricity and gas in my house?
Having amazing friends in my life?

Or should I be thankful for:

Being jobless?
Having no money?
Crying and feeling depressed almost everyday?
Being ill myself - my health being shit?
For having IBS and mild scoliosis?
For suffering from stomach pains every single day?
Having one of my family members critically and terminally ill?

What did I do in my past life that has caused me to have such a [so far] crappy life? Did I murder someone? Wait.... was I a witch? Was I burnt to death or hung? What did I do that was so wrong?!

Why am I witnessing so much pain and suffering around me? 

Why so many fucking questions?

There has been so much deterioration in my life with so much hurt and pain, everyday I see my family member in pain and discomfort in hospital - I will witness her death one day, heck, everyone around me will one day die one way or another.

What are we really living for? Are we really born to die? What is the point?

We are born free in the NHS but we are taxed to fuck and forced to pay bills just to live with a roof over our head, food in our stomach, and water to wash & drink with. We are born, we learn, we work, we pay to live, then we die - where do we actually live in all this?

I really shouldn't make this all about me, I NEVER put me first. I always cry about other people and their problems, I always feel their pain & hurt, I always want to help them before I help myself. Not being able to help my feelings is horrible - I guess I care too much. Is that possible? Maybe I should put myself first for once.

Seriously, I don't think I can do that. I HAVE to help others first, it satisfies me and makes me feel at ease; if they are happy then I am happier and more relaxed about the people around me. Yeah I take a lot of self-absorbed "selfies" but I don't brag about my looks and life.

Many people think I am so self-absorbed with my life and they always think it's "me me me "but it's not, its "you you YOU," it always will be. Your happiness comes before mine even if I don't know you that well. I will help you before I help me. Should I change that?

Is that bad?

What should I actually be thankful for in my life though? I am still struggling to find something.

The fact that I can help others?
The fact that I will put others before myself?
The fact that I do care and I am an extremely caring person?
That when I love, I LOVE hard?

There really is no room to moan in my life; I have realised life is extremely precious and very short. I have bigger things to worry about than pains in my stomach, or being jobless, or not owning my own house, or feeling depressed everyday. Family comes first, everyone comes before me, I love my family and friends and I am supporting them right now. There is no time for me.

I have a big heart. I guess I should be thankful about that. Maybe I should be thankful that money doesn't matter to me too. If money mattered then I would find a sugar daddy, or go and look for a millionaire I could "woo."

Just remember - there are people worse off than you. 

You have lost your pony somewhere on your land that surrounds your mansion?
The person who lives in a country house could have lost their sheep/cattle that earns them money to be able to feed themselves.

Your en-suite toilet has broken so you have to use the family bathroom?
There is a person who has to use the yard bathroom everyday, even in winter and rain.

You have been given a Samsung rather than an IPhone for Christmas?
There is a person who only gets given socks on a cold Christmas morning.

You live on a mattress on the street? 
The person on the next street might just have blanket to sleep on.

There are people so much worse off than you so be thankful for what you have! 

Okay I have come to a conclusion.... or is it a verdict?

Here goes.

I am extremely thankful for what I have in my life. This includes the things that keep me alive and sane - especially my family and friends.

I am thankful for my life; the fact that everyday I wake up and breath, the fact that I am here to this day to see my family grow & to see my family pass & to see life itself. 

I am thankful for being able to support my family at tough times - at life and death situations.

I am thankful for what I have. Period.

Much love,

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