Have you ever lost yourself?

Whilst she is alone listening to the music that only hits her harder than any other person could ever do; whilst her caring partner holds her so tight her breath is taken away yet she feels his grip holding all her broken pieces in place; whilst she looks outside and hears children laugh and play, whilst she holds back her fears as her heart is beating so fast she feels that someone can hear it through her fragile chest; whilst she is fighting the urge to hold back the anger of such regret and of such dramatic changes that have happened so quickly in her life; whilst she can't even
breath anymore between the sobs. This young women cries on occasion - every day without fail. Why? She does not know herself.

Sat alone in bed she re-thinks about what has happened so far in life and tears fill her bloodshot-red eyes, she holds herself, she doesn't know how to stop the tears from streaming down her delicate cheeks. There has been too much change in her life, she can not cope, she can not take the anger and distress any longer. When is she going to feel as happy as she was as a care-free child? All she wants is to feel like she is able to breath and enjoy life again, but it just isn't happening for her.

Watching her friends everyday enjoying their upbringing and life choices slowly squeezes the life out of her, when is it her turn? When is she going to feel like she has chosen the right path? When will this torture end? Jealousy hits this weary-eyed girl everyday - everyone has what she desires so dearly, she wants what she can't have, she wants what may never be in her life. Why can't she accept that things happen for a reason? 

This young woman thought she was strong, at least that is how she wants to be seen to individuals that surround her. She hides away for a reason, she stays away from everyone including family. Too much hurt, pain and regret over-powers her thoughts and feelings, she is drowning. She can't breath, she can't see anything other than a deathly black canvas, she hears nothing but ringing that whistles through her ears. Only music and the lyrics make her feel emotion, whether occasionally it is good or bad, laughing or crying - she feels it. 

Having her partner by her side through everything gives her little hope that she can be happy, she is happy but only with him. She is not happy about her life at all, she needs to get away, she needs to move, she needs to travel, she needs to free her mind from such devastation and disloyalty. Her heart beats in a steady rhythm, her dreams are so vivid, her emotions are so strong, her hopes, however, are not. All she wants to feel is hope and encouragement. No matter how many people tell her how strong she is, no matter how hard people try to comfort her and tell her everything will be okay, it never is, and she feels it never will be. 

One way ticket to another country that is so beautiful, so enchanting, so inspiring, so in contrast to her home country is needed for her. She needs to feel freedom, feel like nothing is holding her back, feel like she can finally breath again. She needs to get away from everything and everyone. She needs to start again. 

This young woman feels love but isn't happy. When she loves, she loves hard. She holds on, she latches onto someone that loves her so dearly back. She hopes, she dreams, she plans but never succeeds. All she wants is to feel loved no matter what decisions she makes. She wants someone to stand by her every step of the way in her journey to happiness; to love her no matter what. 

Hold her tight, tell her you are there for her. Help her, give her hope that she can accomplish her dreams and goals in life. Support her, encourage her that she is going to do this and do it right this time, that she will be able to do the things she only ever dreams and hopes of. This girl is so sad, so delicate, so disappointed in herself. 

Support, help, and encouragement will only ever help this lost girl.

It is hard to cope through life yourself, everyday one person or another will be suffering like I have done in the past, and like I do right now. Everyday I will try and be strong and positive in life but everyday, without fail, I will feel like I can't do it anymore, therefore, emotions build up and I explode into a breakdown only Alexander can help me through.

Honestly, I try, I really do. There has been so much hurt and pain lately in my life that it has topped itself. It has piled on top of the regret and disappointment I had already felt in life - nothing is going well for me and I don't think anything any time soon will change. Everyone needs someone to try and keep you positive and I have that person, yet every time he tries to keep me positive, a little bit of me doesn't believe.

I don't believe. I have been promised things in my life and only ever been disappointed - I don't believe in promises or promising anymore. It's not worth the heartbreak anymore. It is not worth the pain. It is not worth the tears. Though I do cry everyday, I try not to and I try to think positively. Packing my bags, grabbing my passport and bank card, and jetting off to a care-free and beautiful country is what I need - I want to visit a Buddhist country where I can relax, meditate and find myself again.

Lost. I am truly lost that I don't feel like myself anymore. Do you ever feel this way? Do you ever feel like you need to leave and never come back? Do you ever feel like you need a break just to find yourself again in hope that it will change your perspective on life and decisions themselves? I hope it helps, I really do. 

The only way I will find out is if I pluck up the courage to leave for a little while whether it is weeks, months, or even a few years. You never know, you could come back as care-free as you was as a child, maybe you come back as a whole new you, or you just simply come back able to breath again.

Have you ever lost yourself? I have.

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Much love,


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