Sleepless Nights

Being used to having insomnia and being a night owl, I have no problem with staying up all night as long as I have free day to catch up on my sleep. However, when I am awake and see Alex agitated, tossing and turning whilst attempting to sleep, but also grunting and moaning because he is either too hot or can't get comfortable, I feel helpless as there isn't much I can do. The only thing I could do is suggest he lie on a duvet or get in a hot shower.

It is around 5am now and neither of us have been to sleep - hopefully Alex gets some sleep before he has work late afternoon. I, for one, is going to be knackered seen as I am visiting a friend and her gorgeous baba in the afternoon, but as usual, I have no luck sleeping.

Now I am used to being awake all night, I find myself doing useful things. Currently, I am looking at College and University courses to help me get the career I want, but I am finding courses that are not around Manchester. Sadly, I would have to move or stay at the campus wherever I need to be - away from home and away from Alex.

I threw my chance of going to College for free and doing a pre-degree because of my last partner; I felt guilt tripped into not studying and to go straight into work that wouldn't benefit my career goal in the slightest. Maybe I should just find a job in the area I want as a Career and work my way up. Damn, I would have to start wayyy at the bottom picking up after everyone and making teas and coffees. Ugh. 

If any employers are reading this: I didn't mean what I just said. I love picking up after people and slaving about making cups of teas and coffees. ;)

Questions are swimming through my mind right now. Bare with me, let me just jot them down. Most of them are rhetorical. (Spelt that right first time round for the first time in my life. *Pats myself on the back*)

Should I move away from family and my boyfriend for the sake of studying and gain a Degree towards my Career?

Can the relationship cope with me being away most of the time?

Am I shooting a bullet below the waste?

What if I do the course but can't find a job after? Hmm.. well i'd be qualified enough.

Would I have to break up with Alex for the sake of concentrating on my Career? No, I wouldn't... would I?

Will it cost too much?

Would I take out a loan?

Can I cope knowing I will be in debt £9,000? If it's a University course.

Would College make me pay to study? Well, I will be twenty when the study year starts. Damn it.

Should I do the course?

So much to think about, so much to discuss. O dear. Can I do this? Of course I can do it, so the real question is.... should I do this?

Much love,

Has change got the better of me?

Sat up with a bru and a laptop reading past posts of famous Bloggers, whilst listening to Alex snore away during his deep dreaming sleep, I keep thinking: "what the hell am I doing?"

It is 01:27am to be precise and all I seem to be doing is over thinking. Has my insomnia kicked in again? Is my depression starting all over again? Has this crazy amount of change in my life ruined my sleeping routine? Why is this happening to me? Why me?

Life was going great. I had a new beginning where I had gotten rid of my ex-fiancé, moved back to my home town, got myself a job, and found an amazing man that I love. So what has caused all of my stress and long sleepless nights? 

During the past three months there has been a lot of dramatic change but I thought I could handle it seen as it's not my first time this has happened to me. Before I moved in with my ex-fiancé I was fine and had a healthy life but when I moved in with him everything changed. I couldn't sleep at night, I wasn't eating well and I was working over time to pay bills - stress. 

Doing it twice over wasn't on my mind. Thinking I could handle change was certainly on my mind. To be quite honest I am not handling this change well now, it has finally kicked in and I am not coping well. The first few nights I lived back at my parent's house I woke up with tears soaking my cheeks - I had been crying in my sleep. I couldn't remember why. 

When I was around seventeen my Mum used to tell me I used to cry in my sleep and she was worried about me, but I was oblivious, I woke up feeling fresh as a daisy without a care in the world, so why would I have cried in my sleep? I wasn't happy apparently.

I did wonder if it was because I had recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend, but that guy was a waste of space, unless I just missed the company of a guy?

Truthfully, I do think I jump from one relationship to another quickly but I can't help it. I am so used to being 'someone's' if you get me? When I was only sixteen I was in a long-term relationship which lasted a year and two months-ish, six months later I got into a relationship with my now ex-fiancé which lasted a year and eight months-ish, but only a month later I had gotten into a relationship with my now boyfriend. 

Many people, adults to be exact, tell me I am young and to have 'fun,' but to me, fun is being someone's. Don't get me wrong I do love going on night's out with my friends and doing teenager-stuff but I feel old for my age. Moving out of my parent's house and having huge responsibilities ruined.. well not ruined that's a bit of a strong word.. let's say it overruled my teenage years.

Whilst I was working, paying bills, engaged and taking responsibility of a pet, a lot of my friends were out partying and having fun. Had I chosen the right thing? Was I too young to take on such a responsibility? Some days I do wish I could take it all back and be the teenager I should have been, you're only young once and I have blown it.

I took too much on myself. Though I had help from my ex-partner, it was still a huge struggle. Now I am with my now boyfriend, I have decided not to take the same path. I will have fun in my last five months of my teenage years, plus more fun in my twenties. I have vowed to myself that I will only move into a house with a partner after a few years of being together to prove to myself that I can be mature and take on my own responsibilities rather than depending on someone else to do it for me.

Engagement is off limits for a good five to ten years, well, because I want to see how the relationship blossoms with no rushing into things of any kind. I am young, I want to live life as a young adult for a change rather than acting too adult for my age. Being mature isn't hard but trying to be over-mature is hard work and really stressful, so for now, I will live with my parents, keep working and saving up, but also visit my boyfriend and spend quality time with him.

Alex is trying his best to keep me happy, he knows what I have been through and how much stress I have. but he is standing by me whatever path I take. Right now I am having problems with my health and he sees me everyday in pain and he feels helpless, which makes me feel guilt - he shouldn't have to put up with this. I am not talking excruciating pain but every so often my stomach on one side will tighten, cramp and send shooting pains either to my left or downwards. Currently been investigated by a Doctor to see why this is happening. 

Damn body has never been healthy. This also adds stress on top of what I am currently going through. All this change and medical crap is stressing me out, so maybe this is the cause to my insomnia? Is this causing some depression too? Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy with where I am at with my life right now, but the change has caught up with my emotions. Emotionally unstable, maybe?

God knows - I don't. 


Alex is still snoring away and I am still wide awake. Today I might be working so I need my sleep but the harder I try, the worse off I am. My mind goes into overdrive, why do I keep over-thinking? 

Stupid insomnia. Sick to death of it. I have had it for a couple weeks now but it all started when I had the flu for two weeks and waking up coughing every hour in the night. Cannot blame the flu, cannot blame the flu. Okay, I blame the flu.

I was just thinking... Christmas is only a week and five days away and I am not even excited. Yes I know, I am nineteen and I am too old to get excited for Christmas, but seriously, I used to love Christmas time and playing Christmas songs way to early than I should. Spending time at the German Markets was my favourite, but this year I am not even arsed about doing Christmas things.

Whilst my family were together putting up the Christmas Tree and decorations I just watched. I didn't feel like doing it at all. Am I a Scrooge? Ba-Humbug! The only Christmassy thing I have done this year is buy Alex a few presents which I know he will love, but still no excitement! 

What's wrong with me? Will my excitement come on Christmas Eve when me and my twin 'traditionally' watch A Muppet's Christmas Carol? (We have watched this every year on Xmas Eve for as long as I can remember.) I hope the Christmas Spirit slaps me in the face. Hard. What's Christmas without the Christmas cheer? A snowy waste of time? 

It doesn't even snow in England. Ugh, it sucks! We just get sleet and ice... though I do find it funny when I see people slip and fall on their arse. I am so mean. 

Enough of the Christmas talk.. see, Scrooge! *rolls eyes*

I really should say what I am thankful for though I am still in my stressed mode. Seriously though, all I have done in this post is moan about my life but I have so many goals in life that I want to achieve, also what I want my family members to achieve too.

I want to achieve / have in my life :
  • 100% health - start taking vitamins also to give me a boost.
  • Get myself a career in Advertising, such as Copywriting or Design.
  • To get my blog noticed and gain a career in this also. Not for the fame and fortune, but to not be a 'nobody' anymore.
  • To one day get engaged and have my dream wedding in Athens.
  • Have a family of my own - two kids (boy and girl,) a husband, and a cute dog.
  • To live in a beautiful house with both front and back gardens over looking a lake and mountains. Possibly not in England.
  • For my family to live long healthy lives.
  • Make sure my twin sister is happy in her life and make sure she accomplishes her goals - to stand by her in her decisions even if I am not happy with some of them.
  • To make sure and help my younger sister and brother accomplish their life goals: a great job, their own place, to grow up strong and healthy, and to raise a family of their own.
  • To always have my families backs.
  • To have my partners back, to support him and help him stay happy.
  • To go back to college and study Journalism, or to get an apprenticeship in Advertising (Copywriting or Design.)
And most importantly
  • Make my family proud

See, I am not all bad mood and low in my life, I do have goals and I will achieve them with hard work. 

I should try and sleep. Hopefully got a busy day ahead of me.

Much love,

Are men threatened by women?

Naturally we all flirt, but when does flirting become too much? You have the odd creepy guy that squeezes your ass or tries to give you a cheeky kiss, but there are other people who won't leave you alone even if you tell them you are taken or not interested.

This hasn't happened to me, it is just a thought. 

Why do some people not understand the word no? Is it really that difficult to stay away from someone who isn't interested? When did society turn into a freak-fest?

Working at a bar in the past, I came to realise that there are far too many disrespectful, creepy, and damn right rude men out there. Everyday was a struggle to not get harassed or abused. It wasn't just verbal abuse - men tried to feel me up or lift up my skirt.

Just because I was dressed in an Oktoberfest dress does not give them the right to think I will accept or deserve that type of abuse. One man even tried pouring beer onto my cleavage like it was Spring Break and I was wearing a white see-through top with no bra on. It is not on. No woman should think they are objects to the opposite sex.

When did women become objects to men?

Didn't men used to respect the women and treat them like Queens? Are men pansies and feel threatened by women that they have to give off a little evil and try and show who's boss by making the woman feel small? Are men that threatened by women?

When did it become right?

So many questions. So little answers.

Let me just get one thing straight before I get any hate comments and abuse. I do NOT hate men, not ALL men relate to this post, not ALL men are creepy freaks who feel threatened by women. Just getting that bit straight if any of you men reading this feel any kind of offence. If the boot fits however, you know you are one of these men I hate. To which, I don't care.

Me, well I think that men began feeling like this when women stood their ground during the Suffragette movement. Women across the UK deserve equal rights. You can say I am slightly feminist, I won't find any reason to slag off men - I don't hate men. I just want equal rights in EVERYTHING. 

Sexist comments are the worst. I absolutely hate them and I will kick off if anyone is sexist towards me - it infuriates me! Some lads I know will give off the odd sexist comment, but whether they are joking or not, it shows that they do in fact think little of women. Why would you even say the comment in the first place knowing full well that women, including me, hate it? 

I remember writing a post about HobbyLobby with a little women's rights involved and I still stand by it now. To be fair, I did come across strong in this post but I still stand by it - I do not hate ALL men, just the odd 'twat.' Here's the post if you are interested: HobbyLobby&Women'sRights

For now, we women are actually doing quite well with women's equality, but it still isn't good enough. However, looking at other countries, I do feel sorry for the women - they are belittled, they are 'ruled' by men, men pretty much tell women what they should and shouldn't do, but also tell them what they should and shouldn't wear.

If any man started telling me what I should and shouldn't do or wear, I wouldn't stand for it. To be honest, it is embarrassing that SOME men still act like this towards women - women can make up their own mind, women are the ones who help bring men into the world. Seriously, without a woman you wouldn't have been born. See it takes TWO to make the world go round. 

Without women, men can't have kids. Without men, women can't have kids. Equal.

I could waffle on for ages talking about Equal rights but I would just like to know your opinion on this subject.

What are your thoughts?

Much love,

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